“I’m staring right back at myself, And through its frozen image I’m laughing right back at my deal”

From: Lifer by Down
First released: 1995 (Elektra)

Alright, I know there’s some disagreement over what are the right lyrics, but for these purposes myself fits best so let’s not stress it, ok?! Don’t ruin this before it’s even begun.

Now staring. It’s one of those things that’s considered rude by society; essentially the act of insulting someone with your eyes. Those twin face holes of evil. The same rules probably don’t apply when it’s yourself you’re staring at. Unless of course you’re deliberately trying to psych yourself out, which is a bit weird to be honest.

One of the downsides of social media is you’re ever being watched by past images, which seem increasingly distorted like looking through a funhouse mirror. By that I mean because you’re looking back on them automatically it seems like that was the best time of your life, when you were having the most fun, looked your most attractive, and did things other than work, sleep, and shit. And stare at your timeline on Facebook.

Above all else though they remind me of how much time has passed. Yes, I am starting to feel the pinches of fear – that life is running away from me, we’re but dust in the wind man. Ok so I’m not that old – this year is my 26th birthday – but it’s old enough… do I run out and get married? Try and buy a house? Upgrade my supermarket to a Sainsbury’s or Waitrose? Take up pilates? Kick out Batman and bring in Bach?

So here I am essentially looking at myself, and staring right back are all of my aspirations. Problem is more of them are still back in the mists of time than stood next to me. Of course part of my problem is I can’t turn down any projects. There’s too much I want to do, and damn it if I’m going to put anything on the backburner – I need to get stuff off there before it burns. I’m becoming more and more like an ambition bag-lady, and all that baggage is definitely over the allocated weight. Looks like that’s an extra charge of time for me then.

At this rate I’ll be having my mid-life crisis right after whatever it is I am having here. I am tired of today, but tomorrow is coming too quickly, and I haven’t dressed for it yet. I still seem to be in pyjamas and sleepy eyes, when by this point I had expected to have filed my papers, taken some calls, and set myself up for lunch.

It’s not all bad though, this panic has brought with it the kind of resolve and drive into action that only it can – just look at how far those kids in horror movies get when they’re being chased by some spawn-of-fear. I’m in this for life, so I guess it doesn’t have to happen overnight. Of course if in 20 years time I am looking back at me now and mumbling something similar, then you can be confident that push sent me over the edge rather than propelled me to greatness. But that’s ok I can just blame past me for not following through. That’s right reflection I’m looking at you.

Kirsty Birkett-Stubbs

Freelance writer. Most likely found in a mosh pit. Or maybe Bat Country.

Latest posts by Kirsty Birkett-Stubbs (see all)

Let's check the mail